R U P C ?

I read in the paper the other day that the government has recently formed a Race Relations Board. Apparently, its first official act was to refuse to allow an advertisement for a Scottish cook to make porridge and a Finn to teach the Finnish language. According to the Board, no one may designate anyone or anything by race or nationality, because that would be discriminating against others.

A member of the Board was telling me how much prejudice they had uncovered. “But we’ll put a stop to it!” he vowed. “We’re going to close down all the restaurants in the country!”

“Restaurants?” I asked “Whatever for?”

“They’re the worst offenders! Why, the racial overtones of the menus are frightening! There’s Irish coffee and stew, English muffins, Welsh Rarebit, Scotch whiskey, Danish and French pastry, Belgian chocolate, Swedish meatballs--the list is endless!”

“I didn’t realize that discrimination was so rampant,” I admitted.

“You have no idea! We had to arrest all the architects for designing houses with French doors. And the Turkish baths had to go.”

“You’re very thorough.”

He smiled proudly. “No one escapes the law because of power or position. I myself spoke to the mayor rather sharply for allowing the trees downtown to get Dutch elm disease. And the use of all those telephone Poles is certainly in questionable taste.”

“Do you find racism more prevalent in one group than another?”

“Well, we had to close down all the stationery stores for selling Scotch tape. And all the orchestras had to go. Pity. But they had French and English horns, if you please! Shocking! And then there are the bigots who insist on playing Russian roulette. But for sheer group racism, you can’t beat the kids.”

I was shocked. “You mean the children are prejudiced against other nationalities?”

“You bet they are. They go Dutch on dates and get in Dutch with their parents, which forces everyone to talk to them like Dutch uncles. And we had to close down the playgrounds and swimming pools to stop them from playing Chinese checkers and doing the Australian crawl.”

“You seem to have covered everything thoroughly.”

“Absolutely! We’ll soon be completely free of prejudice. But my family has me a bit worried.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, I caught my wife eyeing a Persian lamb coat in a store window the other day. And wouldn’t it be dreadful if I had to arrest my five-year-old son for catching German measles?”