Christmas Catalogue

Neiman-Marcus’ annual Christmas catalogue has just appeared, and as usual its gift suggestions leave me cold. This could be because I don’t know many men rich enough or fond enough of me to order anything from it, and even if I did, none of the gifts seems to have been created with me in mind.

For instance, the first suggestion is a $35,000 one-day cruise on which a couple may take 598 of their friends. This gift is definitely not for me. I can’t find a sitter so I can get out to the hairdresser for an hour, let alone off on a cruise for the whole day. And I haven’t got 598 close friends, although come to think of it, once everyone in town found out about the cruise, I'm sure that would no longer be a problem.

The second gift idea is a $5,000 bath tub with a built-in aquarium. The catalogue says that the price includes the fish, but not the shipping or installation charges. Now what’s the use of a gift like that? Suppose some nut scraped together the $5,000 to buy it for me, assuming I didn’t mind bathing under the baleful eye of a bowlful of fish. The real problem lies in the cost of the installation. I don’t know what your plumber charges, but if I ever called mine in to install this horror, he’d be able to buy the Hawaiian Islands instead of just holidaying there twice a year.

Neiman-Marcus says it made a conscious effort not to advertise anything too ostentatious this year. They were afraid it would be in bad taste during the present recession. Therefore, they offer something for those pessimists who expect another flood—a Noah’s Ark listed at $588,247. This is a refined and updated version of the Biblical Ark, with room to sleep eight passengers, carry a crew of four and accommodate 92 mammals, 10 reptiles, 26 birds, 14 freshwater fish, 38 insects and a veterinarian. The ark will also carry a French chef, Swedish masseur, German hair stylist, Italian couturier, Park Avenue physician and English librarian.

What it won’t carry is Canadian me. If I ever want to get that intimate with so much human and animal life, I’ll save the half-million and spend an hour at the Atwater Metro station during the 5 o’clock rush hour.