Guard Dogs

I’ve been reading numerous articles in magazines recently about people who rent out dogs that are trained to guard homes against theft.

Because there have been several robberies in the neighborhood, my husband suggested that we rent a dog to keep from being robbed. However, it didn’t take me long to convince him that with four kids in the house, renting a guard dog to keep burglars away is about as necessary as taking the pill when you’re pregnant.

First of all, a burglar would never get in through our windows. For one thing, they’ve been stuck shut since we had them painted four years ago. For another, we’ve got metal bars across them, which probably gives the neighbors funny ideas about the kind of place we run here, but it does keep my son from climbing out onto the window sills, which is what we had in mind when we had them installed.

Obviously, therefore, a burglar would have to get in through the door. Now, I don’t know what it’s like in normal households, but all the entrances to our house are booby-trapped with such an assortment of toy cars, trucks, baseball bats, hockey sticks, school bags, hats, skates and boots, a commando with radar would never make it to the front hall.

It’s just as well. My son has developed an annoying habit of demanding a toy from anyone who sets foot inside the door. In the past eighteen months, it’s cost my husband and daughters $286.49 just to come in and eat dinner every night, and word must have gone out through the underworld that it wouldn’t be worth the price of admission to try to swipe anything around here.

I won’t even mention the fact that the last one in at night has to put all the bicycles, tractors, wagons, cars and trucks back in the garage, put out the garbage and the empty milk bottles, and take the baby to the toilet.

By the time he finishes doing all that, your average thief would be too tired to do anything but go home and lie down for a month.

Anybody wanna rent a kid?