Nutrition

Nutritionists are presently engaged in trying to make snacks that are more nourishing. They say that since most North Americans eat snacks instead of regular healthful meals, food manufacturers should put more vitamins, minerals and proteins into them.

This would mean that potato chips, pizza, coke, hot dogs, hamburgers and candy will all be enriched with added nutrients.

Can you picture the kind of meals that will be served to future generations of children? A typical breakfast scene would go like this:

“Aw, Mum, do I have to have Coke again this morning? I’d like a glass of orange juice instead.”

“Billy, I’ve told you about the added vitamins and minerals you get in Coke. Just sit down and drink it without another word.”

“Could I have some oatmeal this morning?”

“You’ll get a lot more nourishment from these hot dogs and chips. And don’t forget to put on plenty of mustard. That’s a really good source of Vitamin C.”

His mother peers into the oven and continues. “When you’re finished that, I have a pizza ready with lots of anchovies. Nutritionists say they’re load with niacine and thiamine.”

After breakfast, she hands him his lunch box. “I made a special surprise for your lunch today. I just found out that extra protein has been added to cheesies, popcorn and pretzels, so I bought enough for your lunch and for your after-school snack, too!”

“Gee whiz, Mum, I’m sick of all that junk. I’d rather have a chopped egg sandwich on whole wheat bread for lunch. And why can’t I have some milk and carrot and celery sticks when I come home after school?”

“Because there’s no nourishment in that stuff! You know how important good nutrition is to a growing boy. We’re going to have crackerjacks and ice box cake with chocolate bars, jelly beans and licorice whips for supper tonight. They’ve all just been newly fortified with Vitamins A and D.”

“Gosh, Mum, I’d rather have a steak and a salad for supper tonight.”

“Certainly not! That kind of food isn’t good for you!”

“But Mum…”

“Oh, all right! I can’t stand your arguing another minute. I’ll make you a small steak tonight. But remember, you won’t get a single bite unless you finish all your cake and candy first.”

Women's Lib

I’ve never been what you’d call an ardent feminist. I have yet to chain myself to any major government building and I’d certainly hate to contemplate going through life avoiding men.

However, after years of trying to coax my figure back to an approximation of my golden youth, I’m beginning to feel particularly grateful to the Women’s Liberation Movement. It’s due entirely to their efforts that I’ve been getting back in shape.

Everyone talks about women's demands for equal pay. They never mention the fact that the new feminist movement is achieving what years of dieting never could. It’s giving me back my girlish figure.

Take the simple matter of arm exercises. No matter how often I swatted my children’s rear ends, the muscles in my arms were definitely beginning to flab. That’s because I used stand idly by, watching muscular men open doors for me. Now, thanks to the feminist movement, I’m opening my own doors and, in the process, developing beautifully firm arms and shoulders.

The same thing is happening to the rest of my figure. Since I’m no longer offered a seat on the bus, I’ve begun to lose inches around my waist and hips from the exercise I get swaying from straps, to say nothing of the eagle eye and fast reflexes I’ve developed racing all those men to empty seats.

Even my husband has gotten into the spirit of the thing. He never lets me off at the door of the theater any more, but drives blocks out of our way looking for a free parking space. Naturally, this makes us late for the opening, but jogging the two miles back is the best thing I can think of (outside the cinder track at the Y) for achieving aerobic fitness, unless I happen to be wearing sling-back pumps, in which case I spend the evening in the hospital x-raying my ankles.

Also, my husband never leaves enough room for my car in our garage, so the exercise I give my torso turning and twisting that steering wheel back and forth (not to mention the workout I give my facial muscles with all that cursing and gnashing of teeth) is something that’d cost me a fortune at the local gym.

I pull out my own chair and seat myself at the table when we go out to restaurants—just the thing for trimming the thighs and buttocks. I carry my own bags when we travel, perfect for strengthening my lower back. And because my arms are full, pushing open all those doors with my backside is really helping to firm up my gluteus to the maximus.

And to think I owe it all to Women’s Lib. I’m so darn grateful, just as soon as the doctor says I can get out of bed, I’m really going to show my appreciation.

Now, where did I put that bra I wanted to burn?