Oh, My Aching Back!

I have a bad back. You’d think that years of suffering would have made me impervious to remarks from the general public, but I seem to be constantly caught off guard.

Take the driver of the taxi I took to my orthopedist’s office, for example. “Bad back, eh?” he asked, as he watched me crawl painfully into his cab. “I can tell by the trouble you’re having closing that door. You think you have it bad? You don’t know what pain is till you drive a cab all day with a back like mine. The only thing that keeps me going is this chiropractor I know. Here, take his card. Tell him Sal sent you.”

I escaped into the lobby of the medical building, where I met an old friend. I told her my back was so bad I couldn’t carry my groceries or pick up my baby. She cried, “I know how you’re suffering. My back’s so bad I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I’ll manage my regular 36 holes of golf this afternoon.”

The minute I entered the doctor’s waiting room, a woman pounced on me. “It’s your back!” she exclaimed triumphantly, as though she’d just won first prize in a quiz show. “I could tell the minute I saw you walk in dragging your foot. Tell me, have you ever tried yoga?”

The nurse commiserated, “Your back hurts, doesn’t it? I can tell by the way you grit your teeth when you talk. I know just how you feel. I hurt my back one day while I was polishing my toenails, and you simply can’t imagine how much it hurt!”

She sent me for x-rays, which took an hour longer than it should have because the technician insisted on telling me all about the trouble she was having with her back.

I finally limped back up to the doctor’s office. At last, I thought, I’ll get some sympathetic understanding and proper medical advice. The doctor looked up from my x-rays as I eased myself gingerly into a chair.

“Back bothering you again, eh?” he asked. “You have two or three pretty bad discs there. We should operate, remove the disc, do a fusion, maybe even a bone graft. You should be completely recovered in about six months, although we never guarantee anything. Say, that reminds me. Did I ever tell you about the trouble I’ve been having lately with my back?”